missbabybones

happy thoughts.

2008-02-28T04:24:08Z

you know that inspiration i was looking for?

i found him.

grow up. and blow away.

2008-02-24T03:06:59Z

hmmm.
!!
i think ive been focusing so much more on the future.
only i guess because its scaring me.
haha.
job hunting out of the fucking ass.
last weekend was the coolest.
did 70 or so milligrams of adderall.
stayed up for 48 hours, almost.
and during that time, other than tweaking,
i thought about so much and i think its actually getting me somewhere.

my new favorite pill.
ohhhh.
shit i havent updated in so long.

adderall. yummy.

ive been slacking on the creative front. i plan to fix all these things.
im so fuckning pissed off at myself for being so goddamn lazy.
but goddamnit im trying.
i need somebody new in my life i think.
somebody to give me motivation.inspiration.
wha tthe fuck.
ive been trying so hard to find it within myself but its just not there.
this is where i admit that i need help.
!!
i filed my taxes
168. and somehting cents.
its not alot
but it should hold m e over until i find steady employment
and i suppose no matter how miserble this job makes me i wont quit it until i ave my own car and
am capable of putting myself thrugh whichever kind of school i decide to attend.
i want to be a teacher.
but i want to do so many other things so its very difficult indeed to make up my mind.
i decided that i want to be completely self efficient.
i love my dad and all he has done for me.
but i want to do these things by myself.
mostly i guess so i can show my mom
who has had plenty of things to say about what my future is going to be liek since i left home.
having no faith in my personal ability
that yeah FUCK YOU
i can be self efficient.
i think we will get along better afterwards.

im so excited to finish my sleeve!!!!
i decided that on my left shoulder right above my fishing lure im going to get a fucking cool ass eyeball.
i have to find one that i liek and alter it to what i imagine in my head
not sure if its going to be in colro yet though...
tattoos are my main hobby.
i hate that its such n exspensive one, though.
dumb.!!

HAHAHAA
i drew trent.

i also drew a portrait of marilyn monroe.
mostly because yah, know.
im obsessed with her.

ill update some more tommorow.
IM HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
thats crazy.
i need to catch up on some sleep.
and laundry.
<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/IPDX8PtFkIE&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/IPDX8PtFkIE&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>
dont mind the video.
just listen to the song.

life is such a chore

2008-01-31T07:45:10Z

i HATE being miserable.
i hate sleeping alone.
i hate waking up alone.
i HATE that michael is gone.
I hate that nobody can comprehend what the fuck is going on in this fucking brain anymore.
i hate being so sensitive.
i hate crying
i hate to admitt that im really fucking depressed.
i hate not having any stability.
i hate not having anybody that knows exactly whatim thinking
i hate what looking at my exboyfriend does to me.
nothing works out like i dreamed it would and its breaking me.
im not supposed to feel like this.
i hate having to wait for some boy to come along to make me happy.
i cant seem to find happiness.
i feel like i am blind.
i just want to die.
everythings collapsing on top of me again.
i hate rebuilding my mindframe when its deteriorating.
im just so tired.
and i feel like im dying.
i laugh but its not all the way. i revert back to this deep dark place. i cant stand being miserable but i guess its the only thing i know. theres no hope for girls like me. girls that see the world for what it is.
im tired of being an option not the preference. ive never felt like this. i will never be happy again. i wont be left again. and i wont be settled for. that means ill be alone. alone isnt an option when im sacred of the dark. nothing thrills me anymore. im starting to think i was born to die. but not like everybody else.

i was born to die so i sit and wait. whats the point. im never going to change.
nothing changes.
but everyhitng fades.
i guess i just have alot of trouble living my life.
im terrified of being alone.
only because i know nobody can ever love
what they will never know.
im sacred im meant to be alone.
im sacred nobodys going to prove me wrong.

im terribly depressing. just listen to me talk.

I've greased leprosy through my hair

2008-01-25T02:33:12Z

FUCK MY BAD REP
i hate government debates.
i hate ebrything having to do with any of that shit.i worte a new "about me" for my myspace. its the only one i really like
and actually think encompass myself completely.

"
I'm not anything like I thought I was going to be. I have so many idiosyncratic habits.im in my own world id say about 78% of the time. I like sad things. sad pictures. sad music, sad movies. sad days. though im usually never sad. weird. i say "yo" alot. go ahead and make fun of me. actually don't because it will secretly hurt my feelings. i have HUGE procrastination problem.People get pissed cause I make mixed cds with britney spears and cattle decap on them. i like change. i rarely ever look the same.my dad says i have the same bad habits as my mother.im working on it.I hate germs. In fact I find myself to be in common disagreement with everything having to do with basic normal human activities. i try not to live my life racing against the ticking clock, and the all-knowing omnipotent being in my life may as well be my Chinese next door neighbor that i think likes to collect severed heads. Oh, sure I sound good written down on a piece of paper, i sound witty and original. in real life i feel awkward around mostly everyone and will only speak my mind when i feel slighted. I have an entire universe parallel to my own, my life when i am high is probably one of the best things. I have no real vices. I chainsmoke like a motherfucker when i start drinking. I only paint when i feel like it. I'm only nice when i feel like it. in fact im only anything when i feel like it. In essence I do as I please.I wake up and it feels like im a new person everyday, carrying over only the major qualities of my personality. in fact im probably everything you are, only eight times worse because i see no harm in spreading myself around. im mildly adaptable and will get along with almost anything. I hate palmetto bugs, the sun, and common household germs. i belong in a bubble. i listen to some weird music. i like it though. i change my mind about myself every other day, its not because i don't know myself. it because I know myself and this is exactly what I am. don't call my house at 9 a.m. asking me where the party is. sometimes im curious, sometimes im not. sometimes I'm loud sometimes im not. shotguns are my favorite, and we are not friends if i haven't hotboxed with you. I write, paint,draw,sing,sew, and do all sorts of hobby things in moderation. id hate to tire out my imagination.everything I am about has been nurturing my destructive side, and i think that ive needed this all along.DON'T ask my why i shaved my head or if my tattoos hurt. i get trashed and cut my hair, i get crazy and pick out tattoos i want tatooed on me. i have no problem blowing all my money on some CCC's or some fire ass weed. too bad the 9-5 life isn't for me or else my friends would always be happy. friends are family, and family is gold.# 1 rule.im nothing even close to brutal. in fact i like to be quiet, and nice. my favorite color is white.but i liek all the other colors too. just not as much.everything about me varies. my emtional spectrum is humongous and i think i feel more than I do anything else.explanation:drug habit. dont ask me to paint you. dont call me for drugs. no, i dont have a phone number, and if you really want to reach me, you know where to find me. usually i despise improper grammar, but today im feeling a little more free willed.im single, im never really looking. i like being in relationships. i only like guys with beards, sorry.i hate being lied to. because i realy cannot lie. im terrible at it. im gullible,and soft hearted, things hurt my feelings easily.i care about everybody way too mcuh and invest my heart in places where it shouldn't be. im living heavily, being wounded emotionally, being attatched at the hip, and falling in love, being fucked over, losing everything, rebuilding, i cant say the word 'no'.its a curse.& it makes me hate my life."

i feel stupid because i love bright eyes.
and every other girl my age loves bright eyes. but i dont care.
i love this song.
"takeit easy (love nothing)."
First with your hands and then with your mouth
A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
We made it happen
You took off your clothes, left on the light
You stood there so brave
You used to be shy
Each feature improved, each movement refined and eyes like a showroom
Now they are spreading out the blankets on the beach
That weatherman is a liar
He said it would be raining but it's clear and blue as far as I can see

Left by the lamp, right next to the bed,
on a cartoon cat pad she scratched with a pen,
"Everything is as it's always been.
This never happened.
Don't take it too bad it is nothing you did.
It's just once something dies you can't make it live.
You're a beautiful boy.
You're a sweet little kid but I am a woman."
So I laid back down and wrapped myself up in the sheet
And I must have looked like a ghost 'cause something frightened me
and since then I've been so good at vanishing

Now I do as I please and lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free...
and a little bit empty
No, it isn't so hard to get close to me
There will be no arguments
We will always agree
And I'll try and be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy
But if you stay too long inside my memory,
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
and I will keep you there so you can't bother me"
beautiful.

i went and saw cloverfield with tara and arnold and cheyenne.
i really liked it.

this is my nephew tristan. hes so cute
i just want to squeeze him.
yay :D
lately ive been feeling happier.
i think im ready for a new relationship.
we will seeee.
i spend most of my time with these two people.
:]
allegra and mike.
they both make me laugh.

i keep forgetting heathledger died
:[r.i.p baby

missbabybones @ 2008-01-21T15:03:00

2008-01-21T20:05:22Z

I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
cause it was happy, and i was sad,
and it made me miss you,
oh, so bad.

I hate waking up alone.

On the pickett fence

2008-01-21T18:19:30Z

oh, how eventful.
but before i forget i found a good little band.
i really enjoy them.
check them out here:
Monstro

In other news ive been quite busy fiddling around with all of my talents:

Theres more i just dont feel like posting them.
Today im actually going to attempt my first junk sculpture.
this should be all kinds of interesting.
this friday was amazing.
got smashed with akira,allie,tiffany,cheyenne, and a few other individuals.

I love cheyenne shes so fun<3

we were drunk and decided it would be best to offend the shit out of anybody that we could.

ill make that sculpture then photograph it so you can see.
in other news i think that i may consider talking to my mother.
who has lived just around town for some good months now.
ive been putting off the reconcilitation due to the fact that
i just cant stand stagnant family drama.
annoying.
i wish i had a better picture of her.
my mother is beautiful.
and i really do love her.
we just are too different.
and its annoying.
plus she thinks all i do is drugs.
which is also really fucking annoying.
yeah so i smoke weed.
its gods green earth,
and it grows on this goddamn planet.
and if anything,
it just makes my art that much better.

stephanie, shug,baby tristan, and my mom.
i hardly ever communicate with these indivduals.
they do not approve of my outer appearance, my hobbies,
my love for tattoos, my career path, or my hobbies.
but i love them because they are my family.

yesterday at mikes party i tried this stone-fortune telling type thing
and it says an old friend should be coming back into my life with a career opportunity.
so im kind of excited.
but unfortunately on the opposite end it also says that within the next three months i will discover that somebody i actually thought was really close to me
will have ended up working against me the whole time.
this makes me nervous.
oh, and i finally sat down and decided to actually write something.
its petty whimsical, mean i like it.

'oh, my brain'

Oh, my brain is always pulsing, and you are always running through my mind, I think of nothing but equations on why we must have ended, and to remember not to check on the time.I find the most pathetic ways to avoid where we might cross paths, and I keep your picture under my pillow in a small brown paper bag. I never cry when I see you, and I never cry when I am alone, the truth is I really hate you. But my brain won't leave you alone. I hardly ever talk about you, its only confirmation that you are gone, I check out books on 'denial.' go fifty sitting at home. I calculate your thoughts, and run them through my head. I ask every boy I meet, 'what would you do?' if this was said. Im trifling through your old messages you sent, picking out the grammatical errors, I've been trying to figure this out since the day I woke up without you. Now, I've been puzzled, and I've been stumped, and I've been dazed and confused, but I mean, really, I just cannot seem to figure out what was wrong with you.

Shit! i forgot. i finally saw across the universe. you have to see this movie. though you probably already have. im like the last one to know about everything like that movie wise. youtube the "i want you" portion of that video. its trrippy as fuck. im glad i was with my sober friends when i went and saw it.
yay<3 haley and i are talking again. its alright i guess.i feel like shes just one more thing i have to balance out, but i figure everything works out in the end.

missbabybones @ 2008-01-08T00:00:00

2008-01-08T05:15:40Z

getting crunk always fucks up my natural sober routine.
i feel nice lately, i guess im kind of just okay with everything for right now.
it feels nice.
and i truly do feel content/happy
for the first time in quite a while.
this feeling feels nice.

i got bored for a [non-consecutive] 5 hours, and painted tape,
then taped up a cheery tree in the corner of my room.
i really fucking like it.
im going to make a whale to put above my bed so i can look at it
before i go to sleep.

thats it, unfinished.
yo, this kid is my favorite thing to photograph.

dont know why.

Patron Saint

2008-01-02T20:09:04Z

Wake n Bake^ ^
Last night was fun
I hung out with allegra for a while.
got baked
:)
we picked up justin & mike and some other weird kid hat i couldnt remember his name so i just called him seth. i think that motherfucker took my lighter and the next time if see him, ill be sure to inquire why after him hitting the bowl it 'mysteriously' dissapeared. I love smoking with allegra,
shes get so high.
I wish I could high like that again.
i was thinking for my new years resolution that maybe i should cut my smoking down to once or twice a week. instead of almost everyday, all day.
i mean i already sort of have, being broke and jobless.
hahaha.
i kind of laugh at my situation lot.
cause i realize that it doesn't mattter exactly where i get a job,
its the point that i really dont suppose ill be able to hold a real 9-5 job, ever.
it isnt what i was made for.
i can barely stand following a basic human routine like i do now.
you can find me making breakfast at 9 o clock p.m. and crawling into bed at 11 a.m.
i have no regaurd for time,
its just a bunch of numbers that people go crazy over.
and im just thinking to myself how nuts everybody is for stressing about these little things.
I also really dont think i want a relationship for these next 365 days.
just because i feel so drained, and sick about how a boy can be so insincere.
and i had forgotten how much i really hate being someones
'ex'. so crude. i hate hearing lees name. id like to not see him.id like it if he did not exist. though at one point i would have learned to accept his actions for what they are and him for who he is, i might have been able to accept him as an aquaitance. though nothing more. im not going to sit down and explain my thought processes to people. i cannot speak to him. i can barely stand being within 6 feet of him. though nobody will ever know that. ill just keep sucking it up until this particular group of people grows tired of eachother and starts to disband. and he flows off into another direction and group of people, or until i do. i will get over it. i enjoy being able to ground myself for this very reason. i am certain he will fade. just liek everything else does with time. its the only thing im sure of.
this kind of tired im feeling. like every single time im able to breathe again, sleep again, something comes along and rips me up out of the ground by my roots and im just withering. i have yet to decide what this [something] is but all im really sure about is, is the fact that I'm not sure I was meant to be happy.
upon examining my face in the mirror for quite a while las night i feel the life spilling out of me.
and upon further examination i came to this conclusion: I invest too much weight, too much though, too much heart into other people. my happiness has nothing to do with exactly whats going on inside my body, [my heart in particular] anymore. it kind of depends on how everybody else is treating me. now i realize that logically that shouldnt matter but i have nothing else left. i have a few close friends but they just are filling this void. i suppose that ive been spending my time lately looking for somebody to make me feel better.
its not working. so after deciding that this person may never happen upon me again, i realized that one should take their happiness upon themselves. its the hardest thing ive ever one. and quite frankly to everybody how thinks im going nowhere they have no idea exactly what is gone. im going places within myself that i have never been before. opening my mind up to things ive never thought before. i needed this time off to grow up and out of a few things. theres no problem with spreading myself around. and saying things, that ive wanted to say. oh, i will speak my mind so often now. i will touch and be touched, i will laugh, and see, and experience, and do what i please for this is my only life. and i surely will drop dead no sooner then 70 and im not ogin got watse my time in a job i hate, around people i hate. i wont do that to myself ever again,this is what the new year has done to me.
oh, and i also found an amazing song by
Her Space Holiday called 'japanese gum'

listen here!
' It's not like I'm a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself '

i have to go finish backcombing my hair.
im thinking about dreading it out.
we will see.
im probably hanging out with allegra in a while
to finish smoking this 15 sack we bought from hamster last night.

I like this song for today.
'Some day you will be loved'
Death Cab For Cutie

'I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved'

I would also advise to check
out noah & the whale
its great music
listen to '5 years time'
:)

bye bye

These Bones

2008-01-02T00:36:55Z

I love britney Spears' new album.
which everybody thinks is odd because if you look at my track record for favorite albums, it just doesnt fit.
its the realest thing ive heard in a while.

i finally decided to scan some of my work.
but i realized how big they actually were.
so when i scanned them they came out missing a little bit of the picture in the middle.
which is really fucking annoying but i really wanted them on my computer.
one of these days i will rescan them
:)

its all misaligned and shit
what the fuck
>_>
ill make better ones later.
fuck i wish they came out better.

i have to get ready to go out now
with my allegra<3
yay!
ill post new thingys later.

missbabybones @ 2007-12-31T12:04:00

2007-12-31T17:58:38Z

Spotlight:
BRING ME THE HORIZON!

Listen to them here.

Oh, yes.I finally got my polaroid camera. im so happy with it.

that was some nasty vanilla vodka by the way.
I had a fun night though.
got to see my little emily:

fuck smoke break
:)

a line allows progress, a circle does not.

2007-12-31T04:07:05Z

time for change, new livejournal.
dont care who reads it. or if anybody reads it.
just need a nice place to write, criticize,draft &rant
this is me:

.
i like change.